Did you know that the Bible tells us that there are certain things we dzܱ’t even talk about? The apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:

“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints” (5:3).

Nine verses later, Paul adds:

“For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret” (5:12).

Really? There are some things we dzܱ’t even talk about? Ever?

Yes…and no.

Yes. There are some things that Christians dzܱ’t talk about.

No. In certain contexts we need to talk in general terms about the same things we dzܱ’t talk about in detail or in other social contexts.

So what are those things that Christians dzܱ’t talk about? And what are the situations and purposes in which they should talk about the same things?

Anticipating a conclusion: Christians dzܱ’t joke about, delve into the details, or rehearse or fantasize about past or potential sexual scenarios—real or imagined. Christians should talk about sexual immorality in general (limited to necessary specificity) to help Christians move away from sin and toward increasing holiness.

Why this conclusion?

First, the content of what Paul discusses in Ephesians 5:3 is sexual immorality. Paul uses three words in this verse. Here are those words in English translation, followed by the original Greek words, followed by each word’s likely meaning in context:

“Sexual immorality” (πορνεία): A general word for any sort of sexual activity outside of marriage. It is being used in this broad sense in Ephesians 5:3.

“Impurity” (ἀκαθαρσία): Generally means uncleanness of any kind (physical or spiritual). But in its immediate literary context, it seems to relate to sexually explicit talk.

“Covetousness” (πλεονεξία): Often simply translated as “greed”; but since it is found in a list with the previous two words, and precedes a discussion of filthiness and crude joking (v. 4), followed by a warning about sexually immoral and impure people (v. 5), it looks like it refers to sexual covetousness (as in Exodus 20:17 “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife”).

What you should not talk about, then, are topics that are immoral, impure and sexually covetous.

But…never? You should never even mention these things? Like Paul says (in 5:12), “It is shameful even to speak…”?

No. Paul doesn’t mean never. He seems to have particular social contexts in mind. What are those contexts?

As mentioned above, Paul warns against filthy talk and vulgar joking just after he comments in Ephesians 5:3 that sexual immorality, impurity and sexual coveting should not even be mentioned:

“Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving” (5:4).

His immediate concern in 5:4 is with vulgar joking. And he has already warned his readers against corrupting (or unwholesome) talk a few verses before:

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (4:29).

In other words, Paul is not telling us not to expose sin. Paul wants us to warn others about the dangers of sexual sin. This is something both necessary and right to do.

One way we can be confident that general discussion about sexual immorality is necessary is because elsewhere in his letters, Paul actually talks about sexual immorality with the purpose of leading his readers toward holiness. Here are three clear examples:

Example 1: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 Thess 4:3-5). Paul even uses medium-level explicitness with his words: “how to control his own body” and “passion of lust like the Gentiles.”

Example 2: “It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife” (1 Cor 5:1). Paul names a particularly heinous sin: a man sleeping with his father’s wife (probably his stepmother, not his mother). This sin was so bad that even in a culture where sexual immorality was rampant, non-Christians would have considered this particular sexual sin abhorrent.

Example 3: “Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Cor 6:15-18). Here Paul names prostitution and gets slightly explicit through his use of the language of “becomes one body with her.” But he does this for the purpose of reminding the Corinthians of God’s design of a one-flesh union of one man and one woman in marriage (his quote from Gen 2:24).

Besides these three examples, sexually immoral sin is called out as sin throughout the New Testament (Matt 15:19; Acts 15:20, 29; Heb 12:16; 13:4; Rev 21:8; 22:15).

So, when should you talk about sexual immorality, and what are the things that you should not even mention?

The key word to help us know what to do seems to be the word expose, as used in Ephesians 5:11:“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.” Christians should mention sexual immorality with only enough particulars to reveal what it is, warn against it and help Christians move away from it.

Perhaps an illustration will help. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in my life in language learning. When you learn a foreign language, you need to create a mental category of crude words. You put all the crude words you learn into that bucket. You do not have to know exactly what those words mean — only that they are words that dzܱ’t come out of a Christian’s mouth. You also want to recognize that it is a crude word when you hear it.

Similarly, Christians need to know that they should avoid sexual immorality — and such sin should be exposed, as Paul indicates. But I think we can get even more specific. Here are the types of things you dzܱ’t talk about:

  • Details. You dzܱ’t speculate, even in private with Christian friends, about what specific sexual acts people are doing in secret.

  • Joking. You dzܱ’t use sexual humor to make people laugh. Sex is something beautiful — something that was creatively designed by God for procreation and marital intimacy. You dzܱ’t crudely joke about anything that deviates from God’s good purposes for creating sex.

  • Fantasizing. You dzܱ’t use your conversations with close friends to imagine what it would be like to… (nor even think about such things, per Matt 5:28). Actually, anything that would lure a Christian friend into sin (cause him or her to “stumble”) is off limits (Rom 14:20-21; 1 Cor 8:13).

What is not wrong? It is not wrong to:

  • Use words like sexual immorality, adultery, impurity and sexual covetousness to discuss sin and help people take ownership of their heart-sins and mouth-sins, repent from them and look to Jesus for mercy.

  • Seek out a pastor, counselor, or close friend to discuss and guide in confession of sins (James 5:16; Acts 19:18) — which requires offering enough particulars that repentance can actually occur. (Not: “Sorry for anything I might have ever done…”). A counselor can help you work through disordered patterns of thinking, actions and speech. In conversations with a counselor, you need to be open enough to allow your counselor to help you.

  • I also think that there is a place for scholars to wrestle through ethical issues regarding sexuality in controlled academic settings, but I am unsure how to demonstrate this biblically (Acts 15:20 might be loosely analogous).

But there are some things Christians dzܱ’t even talk about. The Bible says so.

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Notes

πλεονεξία comes from the verb πλεονεκτέω. Paul uses that verb in 1 Thess 4:6, to “exploit” a Christian brother or sister in sexual matters. Thanks to Jeff Cate for pointing this out to me.